When a Narcissist Narcs

How Colleen Ballinger/Miranda Sing’s “toxic gossip train” ukulele apology video is reminiscent of being raised by a malignant narcissist.

CONTENT and TRIGGER WARNING: Abuse of minors, sexual assault of minors, suicidal ideation, narcissistic abuse

Disclaimer

At this point, all mention of allegations against Colleen are that: Allegations. I’m not a healthcare professional and I am not diagnosing Colleen as a narcissist.

Who Is Colleen Ballinger and why are we talking about her?

The drama surrounding Colleen Ballinger’s allegations of grooming children, inappropriate behavior with minors, and sending pornography to minors has me hanging on every commentary and update.

If you aren’t familiar with Colleen, her character Miranda Sings, and this developing story, the famous, OG YouTuber is being accused of grooming her young fans, inappropriate behavior with minors, and sending pornography to minors. The rest of this article isn’t just about Colleen, but if you’re interested in the backstory, I recommend watching Adam McIntyre’s videos first for backstory on the allegations against her to gain a better understanding of the type of behavior abuse victims of malignant narcissists are subject to.

Adam is one of Colleens victims that she groomed from age 14-17, sent him naked photos of Trisha Paytas she acquired behind Trisha’s OnlyFans pay wall, sent him her own underwear and bra, and also manipulated and exploited him for free labor while he was a child. He has posted subsequent videos each time a new development occurs and I recommend following his commentary not only because he was involved, but because he is a victim having to relive his abuse and his labor deserves to be compensated (through YouTube’s monetization).

Adam spends the entirety of this video serving up receipts and screenshots of Colleen’s abusive, manipulative behavior with him and other fans of hers when they were minors. (He is 20 now and the other minors are now adults as well.)

Several weeks went by and Colleen was silent after these allegations resurfaced after coming to light in 2020. She finally responded with a video that countless commentaries online are calling the worst “apology” video in the history of YouTuber apology videos - and there are more YouTuber apology videos than you may think. For someone being accused of sending pornography to kids and of child grooming allegations, I absolutely agree.

It’s full of victim blaming, gaslighting, portraying herself as the victim, calling serious allegations of inappropriate behavior with minors “toxic gossip” meant to ruin her reputation. It’s horrific.

And as a victim of childhood psychological, emotional, physical, and spiritual abuse who was gaslit her entire life by a malignant narcissistic caregiver - it made me sick to my stomach watching Colleen’s video.

Here is Adam’s reaction to her addressing the allegations. You can watch Colleen’s video here in his commentary. Please don’t watch the video on Colleen’s channel because she makes money off of views. She intentionally made the video ten minutes long so she could take advantage of YouTube’s monetization and hold viewership. More views + viewers watching a whole video = $$$ for the creator. She’s exploiting her victim’s trauma for capital gain.

I also recommend watching Swoop’s docuseries on Colleen because they donate a portion of their video’s revenue to RAINN, the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network. They have handled their engagements with Colleen’s victims with respect and validation and, as a victim of the same type of abuse, is how I would want my story to be heard and received by others.

Since these allegations came out, I have been watching videos about Colleen like people listen to true crime podcasts. I’m invested. I’ve surprised myself with how much I’m invested. Well over a decade ago I absolved myself from getting consumed by every news event for the sake of my own energy, mental health, and recovery from Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD). I don’t have the emotional or mental bandwidth to invest in every story that comes out.

Plus, I don’t want to exploit Colleen’s victims’ stories publicly for my own gain as if they are a soap opera and I’m a consumer, getting views at the expense of their trauma with my own commentary. I’ve been careful with how I engage with this topic in public because if I have something to say, I want my voice to be more than every other commentary.

However, I felt in my gut it was something worth writing about because imagine my own surprise when I brought up Colleen in a recent therapy session.

“Have you heard what’s happening with Miranda Sings/Colleen Ballinger!?” I asked my therapist. That question alone, to anyone, out loud, was a sign to me that there’s something deeper to her story that is affecting me. I don’t spend my energy with my people ruminating on others’ behavior when I’m not involved. I’m not trying to say there’s anything wrong with it; it’s just not how I choose to invest my time with others.

But the fact that I brought it up to my THERAPIST and chose to spend a portion of my weekly hour with her talking about Colleen!? I’ve been with my therapist for over six years and she’s walked with me through EMDR, suicidal ideation, several large medical events, and CPTSD recovery from being abused for 31 years by a narcissist. My reality, sense of self, and my sense of relationship with my family of origin was completely warped by the psychological manipulation my mother did, and I’ve had to work hard to undo everything she did to me that has affected every aspect of my life.

Bringing it up to my therapist told me I needed to figure out why I’m so invested and the reason I want to talk about it so badly - reasons that are beyond what Colleen would dismiss as the toxic gossip train.

My Backstory with Colleen

Colleen and I share a birth year, separated by only two months. What first drew me to her nearly a decade ago is how I related to much of Colleen’s sheltered adolescence she’s talked about over the course of her online existence. I now have no reason to believe what she’s said in the past about her past is true, but at the time I found her online in 2014, it was true to me. Having been raised in a form of Christian fundamentalism myself, I watched Colleen talk about what it was like as a child in that world and I related to so much of her experience, not just because we shared that experience, but because we are the same age. She understood purity culture, homeschool culture of the 90s, and church trauma specific to being a Millennial raised in western American Evangelical Christianity in the 1990s.

But the difference between her and I at the time was that she appeared to get out of that fundamentalist world and make a way for herself through chance YouTube fame with her character, Miranda Sings.

From the outside, it looked like she brought her whole family with her in abandoning the fundamentalism she claims consumed her childhood. The questions I had about my faith and religion over the years were either not welcome in the faith community, or explained away with religious platitudes. I felt trapped in religion. Colleen and the Ballinger family represented freedom outside of evangelical fundamentalism where you could fully love and accept others for exactly where they are at in life. That was what I wanted for myself but my specific Christian community wouldn’t allow that without dissociating from me because anything outside of Christianity was considered sin.

All of this is what initially appealed to me in 2014 when I was a new mother of twins, scouring all the internet for new things to watch during the many hours a day I was feeding and snuggling my new babies. Hearing her talk about Purity Culture and strict rules in her home, but being able to look back on it and laugh with a sense of “we know better now” gave me hope for overcoming the pain that same fundamentalism gave me.

And much like myself, Colleen had aspirations of being on Broadway from a young age. I was happy with where my life had landed me at this point in 2014, but because she was actively working and performing while I was an isolated new mom taking care of my new babies, I lived vicariously through her.

From a young age I loved creating characters and writing comedy sketches to perform for anyone who would watch. I delved into YouTube for a while, creating my own character, Lanette the Usherette, that I would film during my kids’ nap times.

Colleen created her character, Miranda, on Youtube in 2008 as a way to make fun of people singing online and even though I’ve always thought Miranda was intensely rude, I appreciated the absurdity of the character and shared that same absurdity with my Lanette character while trying to make her misanthropy likable.

I invested my time and viewership in Colleen from 2014 until about 2018 when I stepped back from all things internet in order to heal from complex trauma and focus on being a present, whole mom to my kids in the midst of that very difficult process. 

Here I am, 5 years later, healed in a million little ways, a different, stronger woman, invested in continuing my healing journey for the rest of my life, and reinvesting my time into Colleen Ballinger.

Only this time, I’m invested in justice for her victims.

How A Narcissist Narcs

When I witnessed Colleen Ballinger bring a ukelele into the frame of her video that should have been an apology for years of grooming minors, participating in inappropriate conversations with her under-age fans, and sending nude photos of her friend to children so she could make fun of her friend’s body, I became physically nauseous.

My trauma flashed back to the thousands of moments across 31 years of my life when I brought up a hurt to my narcissistic mother and she would raise her hands to my face and rub her index fingers and thumbs together to play an invisible violin, apathetically signaling the words she vocalized me hundreds of times over my life: “I don’t care about your pain because it’s not as bad as what I’ve experienced. You perspective and your hurt does not matter to me so go cry about it elsewhere.”

Colleen’s alleged grooming and abusive behavior toward minors, her fans, people she has called her friends, and the passive, unapologetic, abusive narcissism she has displayed in the aftermath…is the same pattern of behavior I experienced as the victim of my narcissistic mother, Jeannie, who groomed me and psychologically and emotionally abused me until I cut off contact with her in 2017 after she stole thousands of dollars from my dad to send to her online boyfriend, packed up her car and left the state to spend the rest of her life with this man she met online who ended up being a catfish scam.

Adults cannot be the direct victims of a child. There are no bad children; a child’s behavior is merely a symptom or a reflection of the adult influences in their lives.

She has still tried to control the narrative about me since then with her lies and actions, even though I’m not in contact with her. I openly talk about the truth of my experience with her because, as Anne Lamott wrote, “You own everything that happened to you…If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”

If Jeannie didn’t want me to talk about her choices and how she abused me, she should have behaved better. In her mind, she was and always has been the victim. But I was the child. She was the adult. Adults cannot be the direct victims of a child. A child’s brain is not fully formed, it is their job to learn how to navigate the world and how to be a human, and it is a parent’s job to teach a child those things. There are no bad children; a child’s behavior is merely a symptom or a reflection of the adult influences in their lives.

Colleen’s victims were children and she has always been the adult. A narcissist uses words of remorse to twist, manipulate, and control everyone around them and to portray themselves at the victim, even the victim of children.

That’s what I witnessed Colleen doing in her ukulele video.

At the end of her ukulele video, Colleen sings this

People can make a mistake, it doesn't mean you gotta send them hate, oh no

Sometimes people can make a mistake and you can kindly let them know, and help them to grow

Sometimes people make mistakes, simply because they made a mistake?

And that mistake doesn't make them a terrible human

It just makes them a human

[Spoken]

But what do I know?

Fuck me, right?

It’s similar to the email I received from my mother after she abandoned her family in 2017.

You can see that for a narcissist, it’s always the other person’s fault.

Narcissists only engage with others to manipulate them in order to achieve their own needs and desires. It’s a pattern of behavior I’ve witnessed for 36 years in my own mother that never has and never will change. I don’t say that without having put in years and years of labor doing the emotional work to try and have a relationship with her, giving her chance after chance, before choosing to cut off contact.

Talking about a narcissist’s behavior isn’t hearsay or gossip; A narcissist’s behavior is manipulative, exploitative, and abusive and it has to be addressed and called out for exactly what it is in order for society to see that this kind of human behavior is unacceptable, dangerous, immoral, dehumanizing, and cannot be accepted as normal. This is why I refuse to call what’s happening with Colleen and her victims, “gossip.” It’s not gossip. Colleen is being held accountable for her actions, is refusing to do so, and I’m joining in on the conversation because, as a victim of the same kind of abuse I do not tolerate this kind of gross behavior. I have spent - and will continue to spend - years and thousands of dollars in various therapeutic modalities to heal from this kind of abuse.

To me, this is bigger than Colleen Ballinger.

This is a pattern of behavior that is systemically excused as merely a form of human behavior that we should just roll our eyes at and move on.

I refuse to let this type of behavior be excused. Narcissism and it’s manipulation and abuse shows up in so many areas of our world - from interpersonal relationships, to YouTubers and celebrities, to religious institutions, all the way to politics that controls the laws and rules of our society.

This brand of narcissism isn’t just an inflated ego; It’s psychopathic and dangerous because it has a “lack of guilt and remorse, a callous lack of empathy, a lack of concern about one’s performance on important activities, and a general lack of emotional expression.”¹

That kind of behavior is a breeding ground for dehumanizing other humans with no remorse. I’ve stared into the eyes of a narcissist, broken, beaten, and sobbing from their treatment of me, and was met with a gaze of hatred and the only thing she saw was an opportunity to break me even more.

Once we dehumanize others with that kind of disdain…well…picture Germany in the 1930s and 1940s.

That’s not dramatic. Dehumanization is how atrocities like genocide begin.

My Life Was Stolen From Me

I’m almost eight years older than my sibling and it wasn’t until I was in my thirties and my sister was in her early twenties when she realized Jeannie painted a completely false picture of me in order to make her hate me so she could maintain control over her. Jeannie told us lies about our dad - whom she was still married to and lived with - in order to make it look like she was a victim any time he stood up against her and for himself in basic relational conflict. She shared intimate details of their sex life with us and enmeshed us into their relationship. It was emotional incest because she manipulatively made her children responsible for her emotional well-being², not just because she was emotionally unhealthy, but because she intentionally manipulated us against our father who I found was a genuinely kind, loving, gentle human once I was free from her narrative. As my dad was laying on his death bed in 2021 telling me and my sister goodbye, I was consumed with anger that this woman stole years away from me having genuine, healthy relationships with my sister and my dad because she viewed us simply as pawns in her manipulative game. That manipulation came even after his death as she continued to drive the narrative that she was the victim of her children’s behavior, when all our behavior was was setting boundaries and calling her out on her bullshit.

To Jeannie, we were driving The Toxic Gossip Train. But in reality, she fucked us up and we have to spend the rest of our lives undoing her psychological damage she inflicted on us in our formative years.

Colleen did the same to these kids; She stole time, energy, labor, and emotional years away from her young victims. Then she responded with a ukulele, singing a lil’ diddy.

She essentially looked all of these people that she harmed in the eyes and did the same that my mother did to me.

She broke them further.

And all of us - we were children when these grown women abused us.

Why did Colleen come up in therapy?!

The difference between Colleen and Jeannie is that Colleen’s victims are getting some form of justice. I don’t say that to bypass their pain or to tell them to be grateful for whatever form of justice they get. Whatever it is that each of Colleen’s victims individually need from her personally is valid, and if they never get that need met, I will be here to grieve with them. Quite honestly, after watching her ukulele video, my gut tells me they may never get an authentic apology from a genuinely remorseful Colleen and my heart hurts for them because I know that reality.

The reason I’m intensely invested in Colleen’s story and watching her reputation turn to dirt is because I’m living vicariously through the repercussions she’s receiving because I will never receive justice for the same abuse done to me by my own mother.

I’ve suffered silently for decades with very few witnesses so there is an amount of justice that I’m witnessing happen with Colleen that I would love to have for my abuse but I will never get. I’ve had to come to terms with that reality and move forward in my life, not allowing Jeannie’s abuse to consume me with anger. Instead, I acknowledge the pain, inform my surrounding support system when I’m being triggered, use all the tools I’ve learned over years in therapy, and retaliate by living the beautiful, whole, joyful life that Jeannie tried to steal from me.

Even though I don’t live in anger, that doesn’t mean I don’t experience a desire and a need for justice for what was done to me. I’m living vicariously through watching Colleen having her named dragged and hopefully being deplatformed so she doesn’t harm anyone else because she is being held accountable for her abusive and illegal behavior. 

I will never get public justice for my abuse, as is the case for so many victims. Victim blaming has to be one of the grossest forms of abuse besides the abuse itself. I was sexually assaulted by a church leader when I was 17 and Jeannie blamed me saying that if I “hadn’t been such a weirdo, he never would have singled me out from the rest of the flock.” Once I was old enough to get out of her control and understand the dehumanizing hell she put me through, I spoken up about Jeannie’s abuse of me, my sisters, and my dad and I’ve been met by being gaslit and blocked by people who are aware of her behavior but who refuse to acknowledge the harm it’s done on her own children. So I pick up and move on with my life because I have my own family now that depends on my well-being.

Don’t hear this as a pity party. The vulnerable details and emotions I experience as a result of Jeannie’s abuse are reserved to be witnessed by people who have earned that emotional capital in my life who are able to validate my experience. 

No, I’m a bold, badass woman that doesn’t want your personal pity. 

I want you to see the bigger picture and be pissed that people treat other humans the way I’ve been treated, the way Colleen has treated her victims, and how millions of people treat others each and every day that we excuse with eye rolls as “gossip.”

I want us to be pissed that this is a specific way one human treats another and motivate us to do better and to treat each other better.

But in the meantime, my inner child that was abused by a narcissist is living vicariously watching Colleen being held accountable for her actions because Jeannie will never be held publicly accountable for hers.

To Colleen’s Victims

The thing about narcissistic behavior is that it’s incredibly subtle. So when a victim analyses why and how the narcs’ behavior hurt, the narc frames it as though the victim is scouring their behavior because they want to search for frivolous issues. Which turns the narc into the victim.

I’m almost two decades ahead of these now young adults and have done years and years of therapy, EMDR, and somatic work to heal from the abuse done to me. Having walked this path for a very long time, one thing I know is that two opposing things can exist. For me, I want my apology and am angry I will never get it, but I don’t live my life waiting for it. The trauma I experienced will continue to show up in my body as an ebb and flow for the rest of my life. One day I will be picturing my mother as a young girl and have compassion for the innocent person she once was and the next day I want her to suffer because I’m suffering. This is the Humaning part of relationships.

Victims may never receive an apology from a narcissist. The abuse and pain experienced at the hands of a narcissist will forever be a part of our story and the anger is valid. 

If this is the case for Adam, Becky, Johnnie, and all the other once-kids that were groomed and abused by Colleen, my sincere hope is that you can find wholeness and peace within your own lives despite her absence of regret for harming you.

Post Script

If you or someone you love think you may be in a situation where you’re being manipulated, abused, or groomed, here are resources to help understand the covert manipulation and psychological trauma at the hands of someone who is a diagnosable narcissist.

• Disarming the Narcissist by Wendy T. Behary LCSW (Preface is by Dr. Dan Siegel who wrote several parenting books we’ve used in our trauma informed parenting training and I reference his work all the time)

• Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse by Shannon Thomas LCSW

• Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

• Childhood sexual abuse in boys under 18: Non-verbal disclosure patterns through behavior

• Out of the Fog: Moving From Confusion to Clarity After Narcissistic Abuse by Dana Morningstar

• Empath and Narcissist: How to Defend Yourself and Heal From Narcissistic Abuse, Toxic Codependency, and Manipulation to Become The Master of Your Own ... A Survival Guide for Highly Sensitive People by Michelle Luna Bright

• I’m Glad My Mother Died by Jennette McCurdy (A memoir but heartbreaking and relatable for those of us with narcissistic mothers)

1. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2022/03/ce-corner-psychopathy#:~:text=At%20present%2C%20the%20closest%20DSM,important%20activities%2C%20and%20a%20general

2. https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/enmeshment-and-blurred-boundaries-emotional-incest-explained